Saving Me
by suicidalunicorn97
Summary: Gillian is hurting badly. She could never fool the deception expert, he sees right through her. Warning, major Callian shipping. TW: Self Harm


Dr. Gillian Foster sat at her desk, staring out the window. She absentmindedly scratched at the cuts on her wrist as she thought about everything that was going wrong in her life.

Her divorce had been finalized the day before. She couldn't believe it was really over. She didn't love Alec anymore, but she still cared for him. And going home to an empty apartment was lonely.

Her thoughts were interrupted as Cal Lightman abruptly walked into her office, without knocking.

"Oi, we've got a case I thought you might be interested..."  
His voice trailed off as he studied her face.

She tried to maintain a normal expression, but there was no fooling the deception expert. He had walked in on her while she was vulnerable, not carefully monitering her facial expressions like she was so used to doing.

"Are you alright, love?"

"Remember that line we talked about-"

"Right. None of my business, then"  
Cal dropped the subject, but Gillian could tell that he was still reading her.

***  
Cal left Gillian's office after telling her about the case. She had relaxed a bit after he dropped it, but he could tell she was still hiding something. She normally handled herself well and told him if there was something she needed to talk about, but he was worried about her.

In the weeks leading to the divorce Gillian had grown more distant. She had lost weight, and always seemed tired. Now that the divorce was final and she was officially on her own, Cal was worried that she was losing it.

***  
Gillian entered her apartment late that evening. She stayed at work as long as possible, wanting to avoid the lonely place as much as she could. She flopped on the couch, switched on the TV, and started to watch the news. It didn't hold her attention for long. Dark thoughts intruded into her mind.

She started crying quietly. She was alone! So alone...she couldn't make anything work. She had failed to create her own family. They lost the baby. Alec left her. All she had left was her job.

She got off the couch and headed to the bathroom, where the only comfort she knew was hiding in a jewlery box in the medicine cabinet. She took the precious blade out of it's spot and dragged it across the delicate skin of her wrist. A thin line of crimson blood dotted the white surface, and she felt relief. Sweet relief.

***  
The next day, Cal noticed that Gillian was favoring her left arm as they were getting coffee together.

"You okay, love?"

"Yes, I'm fine"

She answered quickly, but Cal didn't miss the microexpression that crossed her face. It terrified him. Agony. The same look on his mother's face in the video taken before she'd committed suicide.

Gillian had apparently noticed his reaction. "What is it, Cal?"

"Nothing." He shook his head. He wanted to be sure before he started throwing accusations of suicidal ideation at her. The last thing he wanted to do was alienate her. He would keep a close eye on her though.

***  
Cal had seen right through her. Gillian knew he was worried. She would have to be more careful to hide her emotions around him. She didn't want him thinking she was unable to do her job. It was the only thing she had left.

She needed a little something to get her through the rest of the day, calm her down. She went to the women's room and locked herself in a stall. She reached into her purse and pulled out her wallet. Hidden between her credit cards was a razor blade.

Just a few. Not deep. Not bad.  
She told herself. But as she saw the blood, she felt something different than the familiar relief. She felt excited. She hadn't felt this way in months. She needed more.

***  
"Hey, have you seen Foster?" Loker asked Cal.

They were in the lab, studying the faces of problem students who went to the local high school. There had been a bomb threat, and the principal was convinced it was one of these students.

"I saw her go into the bathroom about fifteen minutes ago" Torres said. "But I haven't seen her since."

Cal felt uneasy. "Keep working, I'm gonna take a walk."

"What's wrong?" Torres asked. Nothing ever got past her.

"Nothing," Cal replied. He didn't care if she believed him, but he wanted to protect Gillian's privacy. "Stay here."

He walked down the hall to the ladies' room just as Dr. Foster emerged, looking pale and shaken.

"What's going on?" Cal asked, touching her arm for support.

She winced ever so slightly, and Cal caught the fleeting expression of pain cross her face. He removed his hand and immediately noticed that it came away red. Blood was seeping through his colleague's sleeve. He looked up at her, shocked and worried. The emotion on her face was perfectly clear; panic.

"My office. Now."

"Please, it's nothing, just a little cut, I scraped myself on the stall door," Gillian defended as he escorted her down the hallway.

But Cal wasn't fooled. "Come on, love, you're a better liar than that." They reached his office and he shut the door behind them. "Show me."

Gillian's brows were raised and drawn together, and her upper eyelid was raised, the lower lid tense and drawn up. Classic fear micro expression. "Cal, it's nothing. I told you."

"Well then why are you flashing fear like a neon sign?"

Gillian shrugged helplessly.

"Show me," He demanded.

She gingerly rolled up her sleeve, and Cal sucked in his breath when he saw the bloody mess. "My God..."

"It-It's not as bad as it looks," Gillian tried to calm him down.

"Like hell! You need stitches...sit down." he pushed her into a chair and pulled a first aid kit out of his desk drawer.

He felt sick as he cleaned the blood off her arm with an antiseptic wipe. "Easy there, love." He talked to her like a frightened animal as she pulled away from his touch.

Once the cuts were clean, he could see how bad they were. Several angry gashes, deep and still bleeding. "You need at least four of these stitched up." He told her.

Gillian shook her head. "No, I can't go to the hospital."

"You can, you just won't. Will you at least tell me what the hell possesed you to do this to yourself?" Cal tried to look her in the eye, but she avoided his gaze.

"It's stupid. I'm a psychologist! I know this isn't healthy..." Gillian admitted.

"Then why do it?"

"It...takes away the pain for a little while. I got carried away...I didn't mean to-" she suddenly looked sick as she saw the blood still seeping through the gauze Cal was holding on the cuts to stop the bleeding. "Oh God, I didn't mean to cut that bad...it didn't even hurt!"

"We need to get you to the hospital, love"

"No. I can't go, what if they admit me?"

He didn't want to say it, but Gillian saw the thought before he could hide it.

"You think it would be good, you want me admitted to the psych ward!" she accused angrily.

"I'm worried about you! I care, Gillian. If anything happened to you..." his voice cracked, and he hated it for betraying his feelings.

***  
It wasn't often that Cal Lightman showed vulnerability. Gillian felt bad for getting upset with him. He was only trying to help.

"I'm scared, Gill. Why would you do this to yourself? You're beautiful. You're smart, funny... If you're angry with Alec, take it out on him! I'll help you! I do know how to cover up a crime."

Gillian smiled faintly. He always knew how to cheer her up, even if he was only half joking.

"It's not Alec, it's the whole divorce in general. I feel used and alone. I hate going home to an empty apartment...I just feel so...misplaced. Like I don't belong anywhere."

"You belong here." Cal said firmly. "This company, Lightman Group, needs you. You're my partner. I need you."

Gillian was surprised at the sincerity in his voice. He always talked about their "partnership" in an almost sarcastic way. As if he didn't need her. It was his name on the sign after all. It was so good to hear that he took her role seriously.

***

"The bleeding's slowed down a bit," Cal said, relieved. He was trying to hide it, but he was terrified for his partner. The cuts were deep, and he believed her when she said she hadn't meant to hurt herself that badly. But accidents could happen, and she could very well have cut a vein.

"Good, that means I won't need stitches. The bleeding will stop on it's own," Gillian insisted.

"You need help, love," Cal softly touched her face. "Healthy people don't do this to themselves."

She avoided his gaze. "What if I don't want help?"

"Look at me. Look at me!" He gently turned her head toward him. "You can't mean that, there's only one option besides recovery."

"I know," she didn't deny that she was thinking about it, and that scared him to death.

"Now, you know I'm not gonna let that happen."

"Please, I can't go to the hospital. I won't do anything else, I promise." She begged.

Cal studied her face. He didn't believe her. "Right then, give me whatever you used to mutilate your beautiful skin."

She hesitated.

"Come on, Gill. Please."

Gillian sighed. "Fine." she reached for her purse.

"Oi, no." Cal grabbed it first. "I'll get it, now tell me where it is."

"In my wallet."

He opened it up and scowled at the small razor blade. He carefully removed it. "Love, why?"

She couldn't meet his gaze. "It helps. And it's not hurting anyone but me."

"Well that's a load of rubbish!" He said, upset. "You know it! You're a bloody psychologist, you've helped people through this, you know it doesn't hurt just you."

Suddenly he had an idea to make her understand.

***  
Cal was right. It wasn't just inflicting pain on herself, Gillian could see the hurt and concern in his eyes.

He stood, and walked over to the wastebasket. She thought he was going to throw the blade away, but instead he slashed the blade across his own wrist, looking straight at her to gauge her reaction.

"What the hell?" she jumped up, but he jerked the blade away from her, tossing it into the trash.

He grabbed her good arm and put his bleeding wrist by hers. "Look at me and tell me this doesn't hurt you too."

She started crying. "I'm sorry..."

"Me too, love."

***  
Cal finished patching her up, and wrapped his own wound as well. It wasn't nearly as bad as hers, but it was deeper than he had intended to cut. He could see how Gillian had gotten carried away, the blade was very sharp.

"I'd send you home, but I don't want you to be alone. Stay here and rest."

She protested. "We have a case to work on!"

He shook his head. She would probably find something in his office to harm herself with. He couldn't leave her alone her either. "Fine. But I'm not letting you out of my sight. Are we clear?"

She nodded. "Let's stop by my office to get a jacket. I don't want anyone to see this." she gestured to the bloody bandage.

***  
Minutes later, Lightman and Foster walked into the lab together.

Torres and Loker looked back at them. "Everything okay?" Loker questioned.

"Great. Everything's just peachy." Cal replied. Gillian could tell that he was lying, and she knew it must be obvious to their employees as well. But they left it alone.

***  
That evening, they prepared to leave the office. "I'm driving." Cal declared. "My place or yours?"

"You are impossible!" Gillian sighed, exasperated. He hadn't let her out of his sight all day.

"And you can't be trusted alone with yourself, love," he said, kissing her on the cheek. "My place it is, then"

"Fine..." she surrendered. She knew from experience that how stubborn he was, and she was too tired to fight with him.

***  
Back at his place, Cal had Gillian sit down on the couch while he emptied a bathroom of all sharp and potentially dangerous objects. "This is yours, you can shower, do whatever you like."

He then moved to his bedroom and took all the sharp and dangerous items out of it as well. "You'll sleep here tonight."

"You really don't trust me, do you?" Gillian asked, a touch of sadness to her voice.

"It's not that, love." He pulled her in for a hug, careful of her injured arm. "I can't lose you is all."

***  
Gillian used one of Cal's T shirts for a nightshirt. It was big and soft. She liked the way it fit her, made her feel small. She herd a knock on the door.

"You decent?"

"Yes, go ahead and come in"

***  
He walked in and sat next to her on the bed. "You look good in my shirt, better than I do. You might as well keep it, cause I'm never going to look that breathtaking wearing it." he joked. Her smile was so beautiful.

She had lost a lot of weight, and looked small and vulnerable. He felt the need to protect her.

"I'm never going to let anything happen to you."

She put her hand on top of his. "Thank you,"

He felt his heart speed up at her touch. His partner was such a beautiful woman. She meant the world to him.

Suddenly she leaned in and kissed him. Not the usual kiss on the cheek, but on his lips! He was surprised, but amazed at how right it felt. Her mouth was so soft on his. She tangled her hands in his hair, and he felt desire for the first time in a long time. But he pushed her away.

"I'm sorry, I don't know what got into me..." she apologized, but looked hurt.

"No, no, please. I enjoyed that very much, and I want to do it again sometime, but you're in a really vulnerable spot right now, and I don't want to take advantage of you." He looked her in the eyes so she could see how sincere he was.

***  
"Thanks" Gillian said, blushing. He was such a gentleman. There had always been this undeniable chemistry between them, but they'd never acted on it because of the potential problems it would cause at work.

But right now she didn't care. She loved him. She had loved him all along. He was the only person that understood her! He was her closest friend, and they had been through so much together.

She laid down in his bed, suddenly very tired. Cal kissed her forehead and began to walk out.

"Cal, wait!"

He paused.

"I...I don't want to be alone...could you come sleep by me?"

***  
"Of course, love" he said tenderly, as he laid down next to her, on top of the blankets. She rested her head on his shoulder and he pulled her closer.

In that moment, he knew he wanted to spend the rest of his life with this woman. He loved her.

They fell asleep together, both happier than they had been in a long time.


End file.
